Sounds heard frequently from our bedroom these days......

Me:  None of my clothes fit!  I'm FAT!

Bustin:  You're not fat, you're pregnant!

Me:  I can't even get my fat jeans buttoned!

Bustin:  You're not fat, you're pregnant!

Me:  The only shirts that don't look obscene are my Shoreline "local crew" men's XL ones.

Bustin:  You're not fat, you're pregnant!

Me:  Even YOUR clothes aren't fitting anymore!

Bustin:  You're not fat, you're pregnant!

Me:  I'll just go to the store naked!  Do you think anyone would notice?

Bustin:  Wait what?  No Kat, you can not go to the store naked!  In your bathrobe with your slippers and  curlers yes, but NOT naked!

Me:  I don't own any curlers......NOW what am I suppose to wear?

Bustin:  (hangs head down and shakes in defeat........it's going to be a long 5 more months!)

Making friends everywhere I go.....

As per a local burner mom's suggestion I signed up to read a very active Yahoo group called Austin Mama's.  Most days it sends me in a panic about all the things that can very wrong with babies/children.  Some days it's very informative.  Other days it's just a good laugh about the absurdity of having a child. The boys (Bustin & my cousin Paulie who lives with us) just laugh at all my "Did you know that......?" proclamations I make while on my laptop in the living room.
I haven't posted much since I don't have the answers yet to "How do you actually KNOW if there's something up his nose?" or "I think my unborn baby actually cracked my ribs with all the kicking?".  Still I am trying to follow the list and I frequently bookmark the stuff about breast feeding and junk like that since that WILL be my show much sooner then later.  Still I HAVE posted a few answers to crafting/costuming questions that ANY proper Mormon/Drag Queen would know.
So the Mama's get together frequently with and without children in tow for what they call a "GMOOTH" or "Get Mama Out Of The House".    Bustin sent me off to go meet some o these ladies the other night for their yearly holiday cupcake run.  There were 50+ women, all sugared out, having a grand time.  When I'd introduce myself they'd say......"Oh right, you're THAT mama!"  
p.s.  a Mama replied and didn't know what BFF was  
p.s.s.  AP also stands for Attachment Parenting which is the popular dogma & catma to subscribe to these days for parenting your child  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_parenting


Here's my post I made last week:
In need of a decoder ring please......
All groups have their own acronyms. This I know and understand. Well THIS group has pregnancy ones and baby ones and kids ones and mom ones and made up-list ones and Austin ones and and and.....my superpowers are great and wide but figuring out what y'all are talking about most days apparently is not one of them.

Google and Yelp have been my BFFs (see THERE's one I know) since I moved to Austin but have been quite fickle when it comes to you ladies. Maybe you mama's are just SOOOOOO underground that you can't BE tracked? Is there already a list compiled or maybe a better site to be looking up what you're saying then www.acronymfinder.com

Oh and when I get really frustrated I go to urbandictionary.com for a good laugh. Here's what they said SAHM stood for.....Depending on the context, an acronym for either "Stay-At-Home-Mom" or "Shit-Ass-Ho-Motherfucker"! Now THAT made me giggle!

Thanks in advance for a point in a non-clueless direction or any advice given!
As you weird,
~kathasaurus who is going to continue to read this list (even if she doesn't know what you're saying) and keep showin up to your events and infiltrate this Austin subculture even if it kills her! SO THERE! (insert tongue sticking out here!)

p.s. AMY N: I will be showing up to your house at the correct time on Tuesday and getting in someone's van and eatin me some damn cupcakes! (which I did preorder with Terry) =]

p.s.s. I STILL haven't figured out what AP stands for! acronymfinder.com had 245 suggestions none o which sounded appropriate for the 2 posts that used AP yesterday.  I did although, like the suggestion o "Armenian Power" which is a gang in LA!

p.s.s.s. Just in case you're STILL reading this urbandictionary.com says this about AP (advanced placement) which pretty much summed up my high school experience.....a class in which students start off the year with high hopes and it eventually turns into a class full of crying over acheivers with damaged GPAs and emotional scars.
"Mark decided to take AP history but was sent to his school therapist after he realized his GPA dropped a full point."

My mum is bigger than yours!

XTC and our usual suspects put on a "Freak Homecoming Dance" a few weeks ago.  We had a theme and decorations and a DJ and everything!  Here in TX, Homecoming is all about the girl's corsage.  It's called a "mum" and although I'm sure it started out years ago as a real flower corsage, NOW a days they are SO stinkin big and have SO many trickets & do-dads attached that you wear it around your neck with an actual lanyard neck badge thingy.  I wouldn't have believed it but I saw it for myself at Jagger's senior year Homecoming football game we went to a few years back.  They were SO big and the ribbons were SO long that the girl's had to pick them up while they walked up the bleachers so they wouldn't trip.  True story!

We had a craft night and all worked on our mums for the evenings event.  MINE had rhinestones and a half dozen or so glow in the dark dinos in it.  Still you could really honestly tell the for reals Texan girls from us imposter's (ie....those of us who are Canadians, Californians, or Ilinosians no Illinosiers no oh I don't know!) that night.  The Texas girl's mums really did look so much more better-er then ours.  Still mine got points for it's shear size.  It truly was big enough to be the "Mum that ate Austin"!

P.S.  Corset tops are GREAT for boobage that won't fit it any o your party dresses...even if you have to get longer laces and put on a jacket to hide most o your exposed back.  Plus skirts that you took in when you found 'em can just as easily be let back out!  YAY for altering!!!!!

The peoples in the computer say.....

that our wee one is the size on an avocado (4.5 inches and 3.5 ounces) now!  It's heart pumps 25 quarts o blood through it's itty bitty heart each day.  Supposedly if I take a flashlight and shine it into my belly, the baby will move to the other side, which is a novel concept but I haven't tried it yet...maybe when I can actually feel the baby move it'd be more fun.  Oh and I'm suppose to have my pregnancy "glow" now.  Well I certainly don't feel very glowy.  Surly, check!  Glowy, yeah not so much!  I think they lie!

My waist is starting to go bye-bye.  I am just barely making it in my largest jeans and my tshirts are leaning on the obscene side o thangs.  I guess I have to break down and go to the mall and buy some clothes to be seen in public in.  Now to start cruising the maternity section.  Bustin asked me why I just couldn't find a lovely muumuu or dashiki.  REALLY Bustin???  A muumuu???

You know you're in TX when........

Yesterday my show started with a dentist appt at 8:45 am because I'm having issues with my gums due to being ME and the pregnancy.  After an "eggs for empty cartons" lunch with Teresa, a trip to the mall (Yes, I AM that nuts but I HAD to get some new bras.....DD folks, Double freakin D's), 2 different grocery stores to get all the stuff and plenty o junk, Costco to pick up folding chairs so folks have some place to sit their butts tomorrow, it was THEN that I went to Target.  The crib we picked out was on a screamin deal at the "pre-black blow out sale to beat all sales of DOOM" but you had to get it in-store and since it was a "till supplies last" & "no rainchecks" sort o deal, I ended up going to 3 count that THREE Target stores to find the stupid freakin crib!!!!  To say at this point I was DONE would be an understatement!

So I get to Bustin's car and the stupid freaking crib won't fit in the backseat.  I'm not sure what I was thinking or just how I thought it was going to fit??  It's HUGE!!!  Well I guess I simply wasn't thinking at all!  I called Bustin and begged for him to come rescue me in his big bad truck cause I was about to have a serious break down in the stupid Target parking lot!

While I was reclined in the front seat playing solitaire on my phone trying really hard not to start crying, this very large lady with a very thick Texas accent came over to me and said, "Da-harlin, I can't help but notice you're in a predicament.  I have a truck and I can take that crib wherever you need to take it. Is it for you?  Are you expectin? How excitin!"  I told her thank you that I'd already called my husband to come be my knight in dusty armor.  She then said, "You call him right back, I'm here already!"  I explained where we lived (NOT close to the Target I had to go to to find the crib) and I simply couldn't ask her to drive all that way in 5:30 traffic but thank you so much all the same.  She told me to have a safe night and congratulations again on our coming baby.

Sometimes it's really nice to live in a place where peoples offer up such kindness to strangers....even if the stranger is a deranged looking pregnant lady on the verge o a nervous breakdown!

And now for the 2nd trimester!

This week our wee dino is 3.5" long and a whopping 1.5 ounces.....about the size of a lemon.   She/he now has brain impulses which means it can squint, frown, grimace and suck it's thumb.  As a long time thumb sucker who came OUT o the womb sucking her thumb, I find this awesome!  The kidneys are producing urine, the liver is making bile, and the spleen is doing it's red blood cell thang.  Sooooo crazy!


Still no tummy for me to speak of BUT ohhhhhh the boobage!!!  If they get any bigger I'll have to start wearing weights on the back o my belt so I don't tip over!  The shear ginormity of my "soon to be milk makers" are the topic o many jokes here in Austin, as you can imagine!  Of course Bustin has absolutely NO complaints!  Just call me "Chesty La Rue"!!!!

Fingerprints...it's soooo CSI!

So I got an app for my iphone that gives me day by day little reminders......."drink more water", "go for a walk", "eat healthy snacks", etc.  It also tells me how I should be "feeling" which I think is high-larious!  But my favorite part is the weekly updates on what is actually happening in my belly, THAT I think is the weirdest thing of all!  Apparently this week the baby is growing fingerprints and IF it's a girl now has more than 2 million eggs in her ovaries.  It's just barely an ounce and is like 3 inches long.....that's like a medium sized shrimp!  Fingerprints & 2 million eggs??  How completely and totally insane is that?!?!?  

It's in there......we seened it!

So we went to the first ultrasound......and there's definitely SOMEthing in there!  We saw it!  It's there!

Bustin asked if the baby had a spiky tail.  The ultrasound tech started to give us a speech about not being able to really see the sex yet....like we couldn't use the dirty word "penis".  So I asked if there were bony plates down it's back as well since our spawn SHOULD be part dino.  The tech looked at us oddly and said no.  The baby wouldn't stop jumping around, making it difficult to get the measurements the tech needed.  Then the little one wouldn't move at all, blocking the view of it's spine.  The tech asked me to "turn and cough".  Bustin commented that that was probably the first time I'd ever been asked THAT.  We were cracking up but the tech didn't even get the joke.  Apparently coughing makes the baby move if it won't.  Hyper AND stubborn, spiky tail or not this has GOT to be our child.

When the tech handed us our photos I said, "Look Honey, we're having a luchadore!"  Again our tech didn't get our joke......she didn't even know what a luchadore is!  LAME!  You tell me, doesn't our spawn look like it's ready to wrestle a midget in a Mexican ring???  It'd have a fabulous metallic green mask with spines down the back and maybe some triceratops horns in the front and be called "el loco dinosaurio"!!  I can see it now!

Oh Ace Kitty, if I didn't love ya SO much......

....I'd have made a lovely hat out of ya this morning!

So it was a night like any other, I was the creamy middle of the Bustin - dino - Ace Kitty sandwich.  Ace is wise beyond his years and every night uses ME as his human barrier shield between himself and the forever flailing and blankie stealer that is a sleeping Bustin.

Since the preggers me is an even more frequent participant of "Insomniac Theater" then usual, I was just fading into sleep at 3ish am when Ace got startled by something, came up swinging, and managed to scratch my eye with his front claw (aka those sharp ass meat hooks o his) before he snuggled back in my arms to fall back asleep.  Now *I* was startled, wide awake and trying to figure out what had happened.  I woke up Bustin before I slipped on a robe to go grab a frozen bag o corn to put on my eye.  He stumbled out in his robe to tell me that my eye was full o blood and we needed to go to the ER.  I suggested we could just flush it out and wait to see if it was all THAT bad.  Bustin informed me that injured eyeballs earned you a first class ticket to the ER and that was that.

Now I've been to the ER many many times, both working & with family.  So I got dressed and started "preparing" for our journey into the ER.  I got cold pizza outta the fridge for later.  I made a drink and grabbed a couple DrPeppers for Bustin.  I grabbed a phone charger and was contemplating on if I should wake up Paulie to tell him to feed & take the dogs out before he left for work when Bustin came in and asked me exactly what it was I was doing.  I explained to him that when you go to the ER you could be there days n days, sometimes forEVER! and you had to have a plan and bring provisions.  He told me to get in the car and quite being ridiculous, the Bastrop ER is NOT an ER in California.

We drove the 15 mins to it takes to "get to town" and entered the practically empty parking lot.  The ER was completely empty and quite fancy in that "we're a brand new fancy hospital" sort of way.  I walked up to the window with my rag covered bag o frozen corn pressed against my eyeball and she asked for my name and social security number but never even asked what was up with the frozen vegetables.  A few moments later, we were in an admitting room with a male nurse taking my vitals and asking me a fraction o the questions we asked at the ER I worked at in LA.  He barely looked up from his forms as I said my bloody eyeball was a startled sleeping cat injury.  He said it was best we came in because o me being preggers and just in case an infection started because of cat scratch fever.  I asked him if he'd please sing me just the chorus o the Nugent's finest song.....again he didn't look up and declined.  Bustin was just staring at me and shaking his head.

They put us in a little room with a gurney, 1 chair, a trash and a sharps container on the wall.  We could hear them in the hall talking...."her OWN cat scratched her EYE???" & "no grab me the ENTIRE eye care kit".  The cute-ish young ER Doc wheeled in a small table full o all kinds o junk.  He put a bunch o orange dye in my eye and busted out the UV magnifying glass to check out my eyeball.  Apparently Ace had managed to slice up the inside corner (top & bottom) of my eye lid and thankfully missed the eyeball itself.  The Doc washed out my eye and had me squint at some letters on an eye chart on the back of a door.  He then gave me a prescription for antibiotics in case my eye lid got all infected and we were home long before Paulie got in the shower for work.

The best part was the Doc telling us that HE was going to have a chat with his own kitty about sleeping behavior and exactly where she was allowed to sleep from now on.

Pets teach you about patience, forgiveness and unconditional love right, right?  Or should I make that lovely fur hat outta Ace's hide?  Nah, I'll keep my sweetie heart fat cat!  I only wish I'd got a cool eye patch outta my ordeal......THAT woulda made it worth this pain & suffering!

It's official NOW......

Your boobs grow bigger by the day...
You feel kinda woozy...
Your nose becomes super sensitive...
You pee non-stop...
You fall asleep standing up & mid-sentence...
You pee on a stick and it's positive (or in my case double negative)...

BUT not until you get to hear it's little bitty heart beat thumping away in your belly is it really for reals reals!  Sooooo surreal!  Bustin thinks it sounded like a blown tire......thumpthumpthumpthumpthump!

So it's official folks, we're pregnant for sure!

Once upon a time......

there was a dino named Kathasaurus. She wandered through Austin looking for a midwife to help her & her baby daddy Bustin have a baby dino of their very own.

Our dino interviewed three midwives.......

The first midwife was really cool. She even laughed at Kathasaurus's sometimes (ok, most times) "off jokes" but was just a smidge TOO hippy dippy.

The second midwife wasn't cool at all. She didn't laugh at ANY o Kathasaurus's jokes. She wanted our dino to eat only whole foods and do prenatal yoga a couple times a week and go swimming and hiking once a week too.....not THIS dino! She was WAY TOO hippy dippy.

The third midwife was nice and highly educated (Stanford for Biology, UT Austin for Latin Studies, RN at John Hopkins, AND a masters in midwifery from Emory). She was born & raised a Bay Area gurl and even laughed at our dino's slightly wrong jokes. Her assistant was an LA gurl and very cool as well. She told our dino she only has to walk her dogs twice as much and eat semi-healthy but not go too overboard or crazy. She was just the right amount o hippy mixed with the right amount o reality. She was JUST right!

If anyone wants to check out Julia's website here it is.....

www.juliamidwifeaustin.com

And HERE we go......

A baby blog.....really? You might be asking yourself, why is it *I* think our lives are SOOO important and/or interesting that I need to publish them on the world wide web for all the peoples to read??????

Well basically I'm tired of sounding like a broken record and retelling the same stories on each phone call AND well I keep thinking about emailing yous, our "extended family", but I don't want to fill your inboxes with "you'll never believe what Bustin said today!" quotes and "growing a Pterodactyl is wacky" stories. Instead, you can just click on to this fancy doodle blog thingy and check in on our silly lives in TX from the comfort of your very own home or office.

All our love while preggers,

kathasaurus & Bustin